FORGIVE.ME

Aug 06, 2018

Forgive me...

I'm sorry...

thank you...

I love you.

As much as Facebook posts might make you assume… life is not only rainbows and unicorns. Day 15 of our travels my daughter states in tears after a morning of emotional overwhelment : “I wish my sister was never born, and I wish you would die”.The words pierced my heart like nothing I have felt before. I knew that something like this would be on the menue one day. Yet, I expected it more towards teenager times. These tough emotions coming up at at the age of six hit me like a hammer... super unprepared. I tried to neutralize in a conversation with my daughter and noticed quickly: not possible. So went in the Shala in Sunshine House to practice, breath and sit with it.

When entering the Shala in Sunshine House, one has to pass the sign: “Mettamorphosis”. Transformation through love.So I go, breath, practice, sit... and feel myself settling into love more and more. As my daughter walks in: sorry mommy for what I said. I didn’t mean to hurt you, I was just so angry. I receive her apology and wonder how to get hold of the emotion and find a way to process them. After being so overwhelmed, internally asking myself how I committed to a crazy and stupid idea to go travel, no child support, no more Kindergarden, open schedule, managing all those different needs of each family member, I now realize:

CONFRONTATION

That’s my big lesson. It was so easy at home to have these many different realities: Lea had her life in Kindergarden and with Grandparents she could easily irradicate the fact that she became a big sister a year ago for quite a lot of time during the day. I had my life working and creating, with all the amazing child support of my dear family basically moving on like before becoming a second time mom for some stretches of time. Pascal had his life going traveling and working… Now, it’s all melted together. We are a family of four. Twentyfourseven. It is tough at times. And as overwhelming the dark side of the emotions are, as uplifting is the bright side.My default behaviour when confrontation comes up is to make everything better immediately, take the load on me and try to return to harmony as fast as possible. My big lesson is my current intensive course in emotional maturity as a parent is to have the courage to let emotions in me and my family members surface fully and believe in them that they have the capacity to resolve them. Not necessarily by themselves but by expressing them and receiving mirrors. To receive loving mirrors? No better place in the world than Sunhsine House!!!

“Kerys Williams, you are a mother of three, how do you manage? You’ve got three children and only two legs, how do you fit them all?” I ask desperately, fishing for wisdom. And there goes the wise woman in between household chores, friends in her house, packing the bags for two children leaving to summer camp, answering emails and prepping a massive course starting the next day: “I understand! It is tough to be be a big sister, you know when Gaia was small…” and she shared her lived experience being a mum of two small children in her brilliant way of storytelling in bright colours and alive emotions. “You know”, she said in the end, “mommy only has two legs and two arms, and often times her lab in busy. But you know: Her heart is soooo big, that it can fit all children and embrace them fully”.And there Lea sat, with big eys, feeling understood. Maybe still frustrated, but listened to and understood from a mother who is a big sister herself…I stand in awe of the deep connections, the ego wringing and heart expanding experience of being a mother, the spirit of Sunshine House encouraging transformation through embrace always, my family being my teachers of life, life itself as it unfolds.

We actually made our decision: One more year of “freedom”. We got permission from school, we found someone to sublet our apartment, we have a whole lot of dreams and ideas for this coming year as well as massive respect. Freedom often seems like this carefree state everyone wants to achieve. I think that true freedom come with friends. And those friends are realizations. That we are in ownership of our reality, that we have the responsibility to answer our (basic) needs and that we have to define our boundaries and communicate them so they can be respected. The definition of “Freedom” states: The power or right to act, speak, or think as one wants. I would add: The responsibility to commit to our noble chore values and act think and speak according to them.

Stay tuned for our family adventures. The bright and not so bright ones.

Tags: Sunshine House Travelling

Leave a comment