sh sh sh… the Nespresso foamer in the background is making cacao, the way Lea likes it best: little cacao, lots of honey. She sits on the kitchen counter bending over the twirling milk licking honey from her finger. It’s 10 past 10 in the night and she’s supposed to be asleep since 8pm. I’m suppose to implement the new data security on my website and send out a newsletter. They are supposed to register actively to stay in contact. I'm supposed to have sent class descriptions to the organisers of upcoming events. I'm supposed to have promoted the upcoming Retreat, I'm supposed to have called a colleague, spent quality time with my husband. In my organisation driven mind I’m also suppose to have figured out my life since a year at least.
Where to live?
A school for Lea?
A Kindergarden for Finnja?
A Studio space for Yoga?
All of it within cycling range?!
Getting a Kindergarden place for Finnja in an institution I feel excited about?!… is only available in our area these days when children are registered in the moment a mother finds out she's pregnant… or even better when planed to be conceived…
A business plan: A studio? An international project? A one year plan, a 5 year plan, a 10 year plan...
In Germany it feels like I’m suppose to have a plan for everything my health, my wealth, my kids’ future, my own future…
Let me make an honest statement:
I don’t have a plan.
I spent the last year looking at schools, feeling myself into the reality of having a school kid and a one year old throwing my life upside down. I’ve picturing me juggling two kids, a traveling husband, my freelancer career, osteopathy studies.
I’ve loaded myself with finding a caretaker for Finnja for a couple hours so I can do household chores, work, study, managing school logistics, drives, Kids activities, creative yoga offerings, Thai yoga programs, self development, my own yoga practice…
The “normal” reality being a mum you might argue. "That’s just how it is."
A breast infection, a week of sleep and an acrobatic convention later I wake up:
THIS IS NOT WHAT I WANT.
I may suppose to be and do many things. Nevertheless “I swallowed the pill” long time ago and I can’t numb myself enough to surrender into the isolation of my nuclear family, endless laundry, dishes, being stuck in the car to taxi my kids around to activities while my spirit crumbles and dies.
There has to be another way.
I don’t know where to live, if I should buy a house, or sell our Diesel… Today is the 24th of may, school starts in less than 3 months and I have less than a clue what to do about school, says my mind.
“Let yourself be silently drawn to the strange pull of what you really love” says Rumi.
I love, movement, Yoga, Kirtan, hiking, Nature, outdoor, community, acrobatics, Thaimassage, I love discovery, connection, writing, exploration.
Currently I live seclusion, loneliness, doing it all by myself, indoor, dishes, laundry, meal management, cleaning.
No wonder I feel so empty.
Resistance from my older one every night over going to bed early enough so she doesn’t sleep until 9am. A year ago Lea fell asleep during Kirtan was carried to bed by one of our friends. Woke up when sleep was naturally done and her bio rhythm was ready for a new day, instead of the alarm clock dictating the end of a good night's rest.
We live in a highly sorted world. We nicely packed away everything and everyone. There are institutions for every age and condition. Toddlers into Kindergardens, Kids into schools, young adults into universities, adults into jobs, elderly people into elderly homes, sick people into hospitals, fit people into training institutions. We got it all sorted out. How come we feel so lonely and empty that depression rates, mental illness medication, obesity rates are at an all time high?
I keep asking myself: Who is this school set up for?
While I’m the biggest fan of education and social skills I wonder about the logistics of schools as they are in our culture. The trend goes to full time schools, lunch included.
To fit the needs of 9-5 working parents or to fulfil the fundamental needs for a hollisitic education?
Does it make more sense to see Africa on the map in a school book or go visit to sweat in the heat, get bitten by mosquitoes and see how a family of six live in a 15sqm corrugated metal hut?
Does it make more sense to study maths in book with someone who might mark your calculation red, if it’s wrong; Or calculate your budget for day trip and you end up with too little money for dinner if you calculated too little. To see currencies printed in books or exchange it at the boarder and double check if the amount is correct?
Does it make more sense to read about farm animals and multiple choice their organs or to go cuddle them, milk them, clean them and pet them on the farm?
Does it make more sense to study peace in books and read about religious beliefs or to go play acrobatics with friends of all skin colours and religious convictions. Sing their songs, pray their prayers.
You’re getting me right, yes! I’m talking myself into a world tour, yes.
I've been dreaming about something that I call: The school of life. I dream about integration of age, gender, intellect, motor skills, nationality, background, upbringing. I've been dreaming about freedom of movement, staying true to our nature, following our biorhythm and bravely stepping out of comfort zones, while fiercely protecting fantasy, creativity and the belief in magic.
I’ve been scared this past year. I so wanted to fit in. I was trying so hard to fit in and I hoped fitting in could one day turn into belonging. I wanted it so badly. I wanted to be excited about Lea’s school start, Kindergarden activities, I wanted to be thrilled by everyday live.
Instead I feel trapped in the system having forgotten all about the ways to step out. I feel like a monkey in cage.
Children need a routine, a home, stability I argue. I wonder though, if it would be possible make the world our home and create a healthy routine on the road.
Maya Angelou said: "You only are free when you realize you belong no place — you belong every place — no place at all. The price is high. The reward is great."
I consider taking Lea to school 2019. Go travel for a year. South America, Asia, the US, Europe. Parts of it in a VW Van. Play AcroYoga, connect to the communities around the world, learn new languages, pave the path for peace by exploring with my children where true connection lies.