My struggle to grow up… or: redefining inherited blueprints


If you can’t fly, then run, if you can’t run, then walk, if you can’t walk, then crawl, but whatever you do, you have to keep moving forward. 

- Martin Luther King Jr.


My late 2016 has felt as heavy as you can imagine. Everything felt dark, heavy, sad, with little perspective. Severe tightness in my thoughts didn’t allow for even imagining options. It just all seemed quite hopeless. I certainly saw that it’s time for change in many respects, I just couldn’t imagine anything different and any vision I tried on, felt like I want to shake it off before I could even grasp it fully.


Long story short, there was just huge general resistance based on a fat and chunky amount of fear which I noticed, but neither knew where it was coming from, nor being able to grasp it, or being able to shake it off sustainably.


Spaciousness is my medicine, always. Clear views like wide open sea on the outer perspective inspire the same on the inner perspective. A good amount of perceived outer chaos and freakiness heals my inner tightness. Especially when it comes to trying as hard as possible to fit into my inner, inherited blueprints of myself, before assessing if they actually fit into MY PRESENT MOMENT of my life. And if the reality I’m choosing is more a “how I should be” than an actual imprint of who I am and have evolved into.


Join me for cleaning up 5 aspects of the “growing up process” and making some space for lightness and options, for a more free choice and creativity in the painting of life which we draw in our every day choices of thoughts, big and small decisions.


Before heading out into the vastness of our inner blueprints and the more or less realistic ideas we have of who think we’re supposed to be in our adult reality, let’s take a look at the available definitions of that process and what this process is actually about. 


Most common and general definitions of “growing up” go something like:

* To gradually become an adult

  • To expand
  • To develop and reach maturity


I’m gonna be honest with you, when reading this I wonder:

  • most people I meet whom I consider “adults” are kind of miserable in comparison to most 2-4 year olds I meet. They spark joy, curiosity and open possibility. So I wonder: What does it mean to be an adult? And even more: Is it it attractive to be one?
  • When touching on expansion I see the most common expansion happening more in body-size, than in creative thought or any other part of humanness.
  • Development is inevitable. To reach maturity is another vast topic… what is maturity? Something like being able to hold ownership of our life in terms of thoughts, emotions, actions,  


There is something interesting happening in us as we walk through time and our social genes and structures make us relate to our peer group in one or the other way. There are cultural time lines occurring and they seem to create psychological stress in the individual relating to mass consciousness and our need to “fit in”. I find this so interesting and can’t stop reflecting upon it.


I came up with 5 areas to be aware of to not be eaten up internally by mass-conscious-non-sense and to stay grounded within my own individual reality. 

  1. The System aka Hamster Wheel
  2. Our definition of “Home”
  3. The dance between freedom and security
  4. Our relationship with responsibility
  5. Our capability to expand our vision into something bigger than our own individual self




  • The “System” aka the “Hamster Wheel”


“If you think adventures are dangerous, try it once with routine it’s deathly”

Paulo Coelho


I got to look closely at how we weave the fabric of our reality in terms of our foundational set up of life. I became aware of it long time ago noticing that my main point of friction with one of my dear friends, who’s a trained business economist and who’s financially highly successful, revolves around our different ideas of “what is your foundation of life”. While he sets the foundation practically correct as the cash flow allowing for 

  1. substantial needs such as housing and food, plus 
  2. B) products and activities for general well being which is allowed for if A has been covered and the cash flow allows for it; 


I, the hippy freak, set the foundation of my life philosophically and spiritually correct as the necessary alignment of my small self with the all connecting broader Self. In my reality, where there is no lack if we don’t focus on it, this internal set up necessarily brings financial abundance and all the practical parts into manifestation as a natural proof of universal laws. I know that this language has the potential to heavily trigger this kind of people and because I believe that even if we disagree on an intellectual level, the underlying reality is undeniable. While most people think this believe system makes us lazy and sit around to wait for someone providing for us, I believe that living this concept fully makes us more creative and more productive and maybe even naturally following all economical laws… with the only difference: It’s intrinsic motivation that drives us instead of the feeling of something needing to be done… the feeling of being in the tread mill. However, it is certainly not my objective to proof anyone wrong or right. In these past months I suddenly came to a great understanding of this practical reality stated and lived by my friend and many others in my environment. 


Call me an inexperienced freak if you like, I never in my life had to necessarily step into the financial hamster wheel of renting or paying the mortgage of a house in order to have a roof over my head. Thanks to my parents who’ve been doing the extra rounds in the hamster wheel, so I was able to stay in dreamland. I’ve certainly been noticing the effects in friends and family… but as reality works, since I haven’t been personally and directly effected (in my pocket) I didn’t go through the process of relying to it on a cellular, body experience.


So let’s get to the point. I’m 32 years old. A mother of one, in the midst of becoming a mother of two. I was lucky to have had a 58sqm home attached to the house of my parents where we found a cozy home and could live happily ever after any time we were in Germany. As long as we kept travelling about half of the year, that set up was truly awesome, easy, fitting and a win win on all levels. Yet, there was a big shift noticeable in the past year: 

  • slowly having Lea asking for her friends on a regular basis, 
  • seeing how well it does her to have her regular daily rhythm in Kindergarden and
  • two self employed parents facing the reality of not having an office and trying to make the best of a one bedroom apartment where the only door which can be closed is the bathroom door 


it became clearer and clearer: As much as we love each other, if we don’t change something soon, we’ll see heads rolling due to mammalian fighting for space in a too small cage.


Having to face the reality in this rather late stage in my life (compared to similar aged people of my birth culture) somehow made me very nervous. The only two options I saw was either renting, which was heavily occupied with negative thoughts of paying someone so much money each month and not having anything from it in the long run. All members of my family own a house. Renting is certainly not seen as something attractive and owning a house is traded as a big fortune in the years of retirement.

The other option was buying. Which was more in line with my inherited blueprint but certainly not with my present gut feeling and my vision to live in a super cute house by a warm beach. In this state of uncertainty and fear of the future (if I decide to rent something I “throw away” each and every monthly rent which could help me in the years of my retirement) we started to look for both: houses and apartments in both, Germany and around Europe. 


Have you ever tried to make a big decision in a state of confusion and fear? I did, exactly in these moments and man, that really sucked! Fear undermines the activity of the prefrontal cortex is necessary for vision, creativity and intellectual clarity. So whatever I looked at, of course I had no option to fill it with life. It was all just dead walls and I had no excitement whatsoever to invest into engaging with it. And I know about myself how much I resist to do anything without excitement. 


My first steps where: 


1. Get out of my small vision and see the bigger picture: It’s not the end of the world, it’s just a step and what ever decision made is worth being made and can be changed when time is right. In the meantime: Any decision made is better than no decision made.


2. Stop relating myself to others: Just because a from me perceived majority of similar aged people buy a house and think it’s a good idea it doesn’t necessarily mean that it’s my destiny and eternal happiness in this present moment in time.


 3. Allow for my own personal path: Even though the rest of my family has handled this topic different, I still have a choice and can allow myself extra time to figure it out my way if I need to. I can free myself from mass-consciousness-non-sense we have to be at a certain point at a certain time of our life and just go with flow of what inspires and nourishes me and my family at each moment in time


So what? We ended up renting a cute and spacious apartment and it’s certainly a blissful experience to have allowed change to happen. To grow into providing for our family on a physical level with all that comes with it and to remain in the mindset of freedom of choice, creativity in thought and open possibility while meeting all responsibility with openness and confidence. To experience  again and that the strongest muscle we have is our mind and that if we find a way to train it to optimism and freedom of thought we gain a whole lot of space in our perspective, the weight of shoulders lift, the fog of mass-consciousness-non-sense disappear into clear view of our own individual path and the performance pressure makes space for the glow of our own personal authenticity with all its beautiful flaws and edges.


“If you think adventures are dangerous, try it once with routine it’s deathly”

Paulo Coelho


The exit of the hamster wheel is just a change of perspective away!!!


Let me know how you get out!!! I’m curious to know!

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